IN A 12 YEAR OLD’S MIND, YOU GO INTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM, THEY TELL YOU WHAT IS WRONG, THEY GIVE YOU MEDICINE OR A CAST, AND YOU LEAVE, FEELING BETTER WITHIN A DAY OR TWO. UNFORTUNATELY, I LEARNED THAT IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE.
I KNEW MY DAD HAD BEEN IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL FOR QUITE SOME TIME WITH AN ARRAY OF SYMPTOMS, LIKE SEVERE HEADACHES AND FLUSHING, THAT NOBODY SEEMED TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO. ALL THAT MEANT TO MY ADOLESCENT BRAIN WAS GETTING MY FAVORITE HOSPITAL CAFETERIA CHILI AND CINNAMON ROLLS AT LEAST TWICE A MONTH BETWEEN ER VISITS AND DOCTORS VISITS. FOR MY DAD IT MEANT SIX MONTHS OF BEING MISDIAGNOSED AND CONTINUOUSLY LEAVING THE HOSPITAL FEELING MORE AND MORE HELPLESS.
THEN CAME OCTOBER 21, 2013. IT SEEMD LIKE THE USUAL ER VISIT TO FIX A PINCHED NERVE IN HIS BACK FROM SLEEPING SITTING UP ON THE COUCH DUE TO THE INTENSE HEADACHES. THEY DID AN MRI JUST TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WAS ALRIGHT IN HIS BACK AND THERE IT WAS; CANCER. IN THAT MOMENT HE THANKED THE DOCTOR. THE DOCTOR SAID “NO SIR YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND; I’M TELLING YOU THAT I’M ALMOST POSITIVE YOU HAVE CANCER.” MY DAD REPLIED ” BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS FOR SO LONG WITHOUT AN ANSWER, AND NOW I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.”
FROM THAT MOMENT FORWARD HE WOULD FIGHT A FIRE WITHIN, HARDER THAN ANY OTHER BATTLE OF HIS LIFE.
ABOUT A WEEK LATER, WHEN HE WAS RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL, MY PARENTS WOULD HAVE TO SIT DOWN THEIR 6TH GRADER AND TELL HER THAT HER BIGGEST HERO WAS BATTLING A SICKNESS WITHOUT A CURE. I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY. WE WERE GOING TO GO OVER TO MY GRANDMA’S ON A SATURDAY EVENING, JUST LIKE ANY OTHER WEEKEND. AS WE WERE ABOUT TO LEAVE, MY PARENTS SAT ME DOWN ON THE COUCH. MY MOM STARTED BY ASKING “SO YOU KNOW HOW DADDY HASN’T BEEN FEELING GOOD FOR A WHILE NOW?” I NODDED MY HEAD. MY DAD SAID “WELL THIS WEEK WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL THEY DID A LOT OF TESTS AND THEY FIGURED OUT WHAT WAS WRONG. THE DOCTORS FIGURED OUT THAT DADDY HAS CANCER AND I’M GOING TO START TREATMENT ON MONDAY AND THEY SAID…..” MY BODY WAS NUMB. SOMEHOW I ENDED UP BALLED UP ON THE FLOOR SCREAMING AND CRYING. I REMEMBER THINKING -WHY MY DAD? HOW COULD GOD DO THIS TO MY BEST FRIEND AND MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER. THIS WAS NOT FAIR.
SO MANY QUESTIONS FILLED MY HEAD. “WHAT KIND OF CANCER?” NEUROENDOCRINE CARCINOMA. “HOW DO THEY FIX IT?” THEY CAN’T. “HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE TO LIVE THEN? “MAYBE SIX MONTHS. SIX MONTHS. HOW DO YOU FULFILL A LIFETIME IN SIX MONTHS? YOU JUST CAN’T. SO WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION? ASK SOMEBODY ELSE. SO THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE DID. AFTER WEEKS OF RESEARCH WE FOUND A NEUROENDOCRINE SPECIALIST IN NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE THAT WE WOULD TRAVEL TO FOR APPOINTMENTS AND TREATMENTS EVERY 3-4 MONTHS FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS. WITH THE RIGHT KIND OF EXPERTISE, HIS SPECIALIST WAS ABLE TO GIVE HIM ANYWHERE FROM 5-10 YEARS. HOW’S THAT FOR A BETTER ANSWER TO OUR QUESTION?
MY DAD RECEIVED MANY TREATMENTS IN ATTEMPT TO COMBAT THE DISEASE. FIRST WAS IV CHEMO WHICH WAS ONLY PROVEN PARTIALLY EFFECTIVE ON HIS CANCER. AFTER THAT STOPPED WORKING HE SWITCHED TO ORAL CHEMO. HE TOOK A BREAK FROM ORAL CHEMO TO UNDERGO IMPLANTED RADIATION IN HIS LIVER, AND THEN CONTINUED BACK ON THE ORAL CHEMO UNTIL IT EVENTUALLY STOPPED WORKING. THE SPECIALIST THEN SENT MY DAD TO ST. LOUIS FOR A TRIAL CHEMO THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO TRAVEL WEEKLY FOR. HE DID THIS FOR ABOUT A MONTH AND A HALF UNTIL THE TRAVEL AND INTENSITY OF THE DRUGS WAS ALL TOO MUCH. WE CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THE TRIAL WAS HURTING MORE THAN HELPING, AND HE DECIDED TO STOP THE TRIAL.
THE CLINICAL TRIAL MADE HIM FEEL WORSE THAN ANY OTHER TREATMENT HE HAD RECEIVED. DURING THE TRIAL, HIS ABDOMEN STARTED TO BECOME EXTREMELY ROUNDED AND FIRM SO HE WAS SCANNED FOR FLUID BUILDUP. THE SCANS CONFIRMED THAT THERE WAS FLUID AND HE UNDERWENT A PARACENTESIS TWICE WITHIN ONE WEEK; EACH TIME REMOVING 6 LITERS OF FLUID FROM HIS ABDOMEN.
THE SECOND PARACENTESIS WOULD UNKNOWINGLY BE THE BEGINNING OF THE END. IT WAS WEDNESDAY. I WAS AT SCHOOL AND MY MOM HAD TAKEN THE MORNING OFF OF WORK TO TAKE HIM TO THE APPOINTMENT AND PLANNED ON RETURNING TO WORK. MY DAD HAD MENTIONED TO MY MOM THAT SOME OF HIS FRIENDS FROM THE STATION WERE COMING OVER AND BRINGING LUNCH. WHEN THEY RETURNED HOME, HE WAS FEELING TIRED AND WASN’T UP TO EATING, SO HE SAT DOWN ON THE COUCH. MY MOM WENT UP TO GREET THE GUYS AND TELL THEM TO GO AHEAD AND EAT. SHE WENT BACK DOWN TO THE LIVING ROOM TO TELL MY DAD SHE WAS GOING TO WORK BUT THERE WAS NO REPLY. HE HAD BECOME UNRESPONSIVE. IN MY EYES, GOD PUT THE RIGHT PEOPLE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME. THEY CALLED 911 AND GOT MY DAD INTO THE AMBULANCE AND TO THE HOSPITAL.
IT HAD BEEN A LITTLE OVER THREE YEARS SINCE HE WAS ORIGINALLY DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER. AGAIN IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM, HIS BLOOD SUGAR LEVEL WAS 21 AND HIS OXYGEN LEVEL WAS 78 AND HE WAS ADMITTED TO THE ICU. MY DAD WAS SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP FROM SCHOOL THAT DAY SO I WAS SURPRISED WHEN MY GRANDMA SHOWED UP TO GET ME. SHE TOLD ME THAT MY DAD WAS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND THAT’S WHERE SHE WAS TAKING ME. I, AGAIN, WAS FULL OF QUESTIONS BUT THIS TIME, NOW AT 15 YEARS OLD AND A FRESHMAN IN HIGH SCHOOL, I HAD ADAPTED AND MATURED ENOUGH TO KEEP SILENT ON THE RIDE TO THE HOSPITAL.
WHEN I ARRIVED, MY DAD WAS IN THE WORSE STATE I HAD EVER SEEN HIM. THE MOST NOTICEABLE WAS THE MASK ON HIS FACE FORCING AIR INTO HIS LUNGS TO KEEP HIS OXYGEN LEVEL UP. WHEN I SAT DOWN WITH MY MOM NEXT TO THE BED AND GRABBED HIS HAND, I NOTICED HOW BRUISED HIS POOR FINGERS WERE FROM BEING PRICKED SO OFTEN TO CHECK HIS BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS. HE DIDN’T OPEN HIS EYES. HE DIDN’T ANSWER WHEN I ASKED “DADDY CAN YOU HEAR ME?” HE DIDN’T MOVE. I REMEMBER ASKING MY MOM IF THIS WAS THE END AND THE ONLY ANSWER WAS “I DON’T KNOW.” THE NEXT FEW DAYS WOULD BE FILLED WITH A LOT OF I DON’T KNOWS.
ON THURSDAY MORNING I HAD A LATE START AT SCHOOL SO I ASKED MY MOM IF I COULD GO SEE MY DAD BEFORE I HAD TO BE AT SCHOOL. WE SHOWED UP TO HIS ROOM AND HE WAS SITTING UP WIDE AWAKE EATING A WHOLE PLATTER OF BREAKFAST. THOSE WHO KNEW MY DAD KNEW HE DIDN’T LET MUCH STOP HIM AND HE HONESTLY LOOKED LIKE HE WAS READY TO HOP OUT OF BED AND GET BACK TO WORKING ON WHATEVER JOB HE HAD GOING AT THE TIME.
DEATH IS, OF COURSE, SOMETHING THAT HAD TO BE TALKED ABOUT IN OUR HOUSE SO THAT WE WOULD ALL BE PREPARED WHEN THAT CAME. BECAUSE OF THE WAY HIS DIET EFFECTED HIS SYMPTOMS, MY DAD HAD GIVEN UP HIS FAVORITE SODA, DIET COKE, WHICH HE WOULD HAVE TWO CANS OF EACH DAY, AND HIS OCCASIONAL FAVORITE BOURBON, WOODFORD RESERVE. I ALWAYS PROMISED MY DAD THAT WHEN HE WAS ON HIS DEATH BED I WOULD BRING HIM DIET COKE AND WOODFORD RESERVE NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK. LAYING IN HIS HOSPITAL BED EATING HIS BISCUITS AND GRAVY, HE LOOKED UP AT ME AND ASKED ME TO BRING HIM A DIET COKE WHEN I CAME TO SEE HIM AFTER SCHOOL. SOMEHOW I DIDN’T REALIZE IT, BUT HE WAS TELLING ME THAT HE WOULD NEVER BE COMING HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.
I WENT TO SCHOOL ON FRIDAY MORNING AND WITHIN 45 MINUTES, MY MOM TEXTED ME AND TOLD ME THAT MY GRANDMA WAS COMING TO GET ME AND BRING ME TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE WHEN SHE ARRIVED AFTER DROPPING ME OFF AT SCHOOL, HE LOOKED LIKE HE HAD ON WEDNESDAY. WE SAT IN THE ICU ROOM ALL DAY, EVENTUALLY CALLING HIS BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND ALL THE FAMILY THAT NEEDED TO BE THERE. THIS WAS THE END. WE SAID THE THINGS WE WANTED TO SAY TO HIM AND MADE SURE WE GOT TO TELL HIM OUR LAST “I LOVE YOUS” AND “GOODBYES.”
WE HAD A CODE. EVERY TIME HE SAID GOODBYE IN THE MORNING OR HELLO WHEN I GOT HOME FROM SCHOOL, HE GAVE ME THREE KISSES ON MY CHEEK AND I GAVE HIM THREE ON HIS, AND INSTEAD OF SAYING “I LOVE YOU” HE ALWAYS SAID “ME LUB YA.” WHEN I WAS SPENDING MY LAST FEW MINUTES WITH HIM, I GAVE HIM THREE KISSES ON THE CHEEK AND TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM. I DON’T KNOW HOW, BUT HE OPENED ONE EYE AND A TEAR STREAMED OUT AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD TO TOUCH HIS LIPS TO MY CHEEK AND GAVE ME THREE KISSES. SAYING GOODBYE ISN’T EASY BY ANY MEANS, BUT THAT HELPED ME KNOW IT WAS HIS TIME TO GO AND THAT HE WOULD BE OK.
ON FEBRUARY 11, 2017, AT 5:35 IN THE MORNING, AFTER A THREE YEAR BATTLE, I HELD MY DADDY’S HAND AS HE TOOK HIS LAST BREATH.
IN MY DAD’S DEATH I HAD TO GROW UP A LOT. I CAME TO TO KNOW MYSELF BETTER, AND I CAME TO KNOW GOD BETTER. WHEN SO MANY THINGS ARE GOING WRONG IN YOUR LIFE, AND WHEN IT FEELS LIKE YOU CAN’T GO ON, YOU NEED SOMEWHERE TO TURN. MY FAITH GREW DEEPER AND I TRULY BELIEVE GOD MADE ME STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE ALL OF THE HARDSHIPS THAT COME WITH SAYING GOODBYE TO YOUR DAD AND VERY BEST FRIEND AT THE AGE OF 15, AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING GOOD. IT’S HARD TO FIND MEANING IN HARDSHIP, BUT IT IS THERE. WHAT DO YOU DO? HOW DO YOU COPE? FOR ME, I HAVE TO LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE. IN MATURING, I LEARNED TO TAKE THE VERY WORST SITUATION AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE. WHAT BETTER CAN I DO THAN TRY TO PREVENT OTHER FIREFIGHTERS AND THEIR FAMILIES FROM THE HARDSHIP THAT MY FAMILY AND I HAD TO ENDURE.